NakedCity Wichita

oh, the people you’ll snow!

Posted on 05. Mar, 2010 by Seth in culture

words > PHILLIP ANDREW LONGMAN

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to New Races!
You’re off and away!

You have notes on your hand.
You have feet in your pumps.
The liberals can’t stop you,
Those socialist chumps.
You’re on your own, and you know what you know!
Which isn’t that much—you’ll need backers, and so…

You’ll look up and down K Street. Check lobbies with care.
Of some offers you’ll say, “I don’t choose to shill there.”
With those notes on your hand and those heels on your feet,
You’re too smart to get linked to that not-so-good street.

The voters hates lobbyists!
They’re leeches, you see.
So distance yourself
From those whores in D.C.

Real America’s there,
In the wide open air.

Out there things can happen,
And frequently do,
To people as pretty
And shameless as you.

And when pundits malign you,
Don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just spout folksy $h!t—
They won’t know what to do.

OH, THE PEOPLE YOU’LL SNOW!

And then Fox will call you!
You’ll go on each show.
They’ll all but fellate you.
Your fan base will grow.

Your Facebook will help bring reforms to a stop.
You’ll make sure that Black Hitler’s policies flop.
Whatever you say, they’ll believe it, I know.
The people will love you wherever you go.

Except when they don’t,
Because sometimes they won’t.

I’m sorry to say so,
But, sadly, it’s true
That Slip-ups
And Trip-ups
Can happen to you.

You can get all tripped up
By a laughable Gaffe,
And your friends will condemn you.
The pundits will laugh.

You’ll come down from the Gaffe
With an unpleasant bump.
And likely your numbers
Will be in a Slump.

You will come to an issue not easily spanned,
And the answer for it won’t be writ on your hand.
An issue that wears credibility thin.
Should you try to stay out? Do you dare to wade in?
Whose votes could you lose? Whose votes could you win?

And if you go in, on whose side should you stand?
Free-marketers with their invisible hand?
Or those who think Jesus will leave most behind?
Simple, it’s not, without handlers, you’ll find
For a mind-maker-upper to make up her mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll race in to find
You are stuck with an issue you can’t get behind.
And you can’t move it forward, despite all your fame.
You’ve no choice but to play that old Waiting Game.

No! That’s not for you!

You’ll escape that Red Tape.
You’ll duck out! You’ll resign!
You’ll find an inflated new scandal to mine.

With tour bus a-roarin’
Once more you’ll ride high
Ready the death-paneled Dems to decry.
Ready the warming of Earth to deny

Oh, the people you’ll snow! They will buy what you sell!
They pin their hopes on you, you Liberty Belle.
Politics is a game, and their lives are the stakes.
You’ll spend them to win it, whatever it takes.
Fame! You’ll be as famous as famous can be,
With the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

And after you do…
Well you must follow through.

And once you’re in office, there is a good chance
A crisis will scare you right out of your pants.
When China plays tough and Iran gets the bomb,
They will not be charmed by your shtick, Hockey Mom.

But on you will go,
Though attack ads befoul.
On you will go,
Though the Democrats scowl.
Onward through many a wearying week
Though your arms may get sore
And your staffers may leak.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
As you already know.
With many unsavory sorts as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact,
And remember—politics
Is a Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And NEVER mix up the right side with the left.

And will you succeed?
Good God, I hope not!

STOP HURTING AMERICA, LADY!

So…
Name your kids weird things like Bristol or Trig.
Remember you can’t put lipstick on a pig.
You’re off to New Races!
Start running today!
The brass ring is waiting.
So get on your way!

Tags: culture, nakedcity magazine, phillip longman, politics, sarah palin