true grid
Posted on 30. Dec, 2010 by Carrie in op-ed
words > BART WILCOX
Are you still on the grid? That is so lame. I am way off the grid. Soon, my carbon footprint will be so small it’ll look like a mouse wearing Birkenstocks had stepped on a very tiny squid. As it is now, I’m still on the international global warming terrorist watch list. I have my own hole in the ozone layer that sort of follows me around. And my house generates so much waste heat that I am actually eligible for cap and trade.
For those of you unfamiliar with the phrase “living off the grid,” it’s not meant in the same sense as “living off your parents.” In fact, it’s much the opposite, unless you were raised by wolves or the Waltons. Wikipedia seems to think that it simply means living off the power grid, but this is because people who are truly living off the grid are not updating Wikipedia. Otherwise, the entry would better reflect the meaning of living off the grid as living “off your rocker.” I recently reunited with an old friend who had been living off the grid. She came back on the grid because, well, because she’s not insane. When she described life off the grid, it sounded curiously like what we used to call being poor, if the poor had lengthy, rambling manifestos and night vision goggles.
I was going to wait until after the holidays to go off the grid, but suddenly I thought, “Duh” in a cute way that made two syllables out of the word, and then I thought, “Don’t people off the grid get to skip buying Christmas presents?” As it turns out, not exactly. They actually have to make the Christmas presents, which is worse for everyone concerned, especially the children. Carving a Star Wars Lego set is no picnic, and kids are not shy about telling you how much it sucks. They don’t grasp the off the grid concept:
Daughter: “I’m sorry, Pumpkin, your Lego set sucks this year because Papa Bart is living off the grid.”
Grandson: “Great. Could he just send the 79 bucks next Christmas?”
Not paying your utilities and having them shut off does not count as living off the grid. Although you should pretend you’re living off the grid rather than saying, “I drank up the electric bill and lost my Jeep playing Texas Hold ’em.” Ironically only rich people can live off the grid, unless you are willing to live like a feral cat. You have to build a compound for one thing. And that means solar panels, a windmill, miles of razor wire, sufficient food for a tribe/movement/brainwashed disciples, a reliable wholesale supply of crazy and lots of automatic weapons. My own compound will feature many off-the-grid type conveniences, which I assume will include a moat with a jet ski. I’m not sure. I don’t have much compound experience except for the time I lived in a basement apartment that had no windows. I suppose I will have to belong to a militia and wear cammo. Right now I belong to Netflix and wear jammies. So I have some soft transitioning into outraged alienation ahead of me. First I need somebody to come over to the house and trample the hell out of my Second Amendment rights. Then I will need to buy a gun. I do have a few useful off-the-grid skills already. I have discovered that you can grow antibiotics hydroponically in the refrigerator. And if you can burn dog poop for fuel, I’m set for life. In fact, I can probably take my whole neighborhood off the grid.
If you ever need to find me, spam me. Just ask the penis enlargement, Canadian Pharmacy or replica Rolex people, because they can find anybody, anywhere, anytime. You can cancel your email, drop your phone service, stop filing income tax returns and move into a cardboard box, but you’ll wake up one day to a message scrawled in lipstick on your bathroom mirror: “Why the long face? Add two inches and SMILE when you shake hands in the morning!”
To be honest with you, I have only gotten as far off the grid as the distance from premium to basic cable. There’s tonight’s episode of The Walking Dead, after all, and if this series makes it all the way through a full season, I will eat the grid. So, I want to catch as much as I can before someone shoots it in the head. The Walking Dead is about people who live off the grid by virtue of the fact that they are either 1) the walking dead or 2) being pursued by the walking dead. The walking dead are natural candidates for living off the grid, as they are dead, lowering their power requirements, and have awful hygiene.
Seduced by the grisly glamour of off-the-grid living? Good. Join me, friends. Stick it to The Man, or anybody who’s handy, throw off the shackles of your addiction to a pampered lifestyle and download my new Living Off the Grid iPhone App for just $12.99. ’Cause, people, we got to get ourselves back to the garden.
