Dear Kyle,
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend’s gay. He’s obsessed with his weight, he talks with his hands, and were his jeans any tighter, they’d be using coupons. I love him, but I’m not sure I can continue to let him make me a public spectacle. What should I do?

Signed,
The Bearded Lady on Belmont

Dear Lady,
Your boyfriend sounds like a number of heterosexuals I know: an unhealthy body image and a fascination with dick jokes that a gay guy would make (especially ones that include “no homo!” after the punch-line). Steer your boyfriend away from the American Apparel sales rack and toward something more inherently masculine like rugby or football. How many gay athletes do you know? And dancers don’t count. At the very least, your boyfriend will thank you for the opportunity to slap so many different guys’ asses. No homo.

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